If you have developed a pattern of self-talk that is intrinsically negative, you are not alone. Far too many of us can be our own worst enemy when it comes to self-confidence. Rationally, it makes no sense to be mean to ourselves and yet we do it far too much. The negativity we use when we think about ourselves ends up extending to all areas of our lives. We assume we are ‘no good’, ‘not good enough’, ‘not good-looking enough’, ‘too old/fat/thin’ etc. We end up expecting the worst and being cynical about the world in general.
This is a pattern of behaviour that you need to recognise and change. We really need to view ourselves, other people, and our whole lives, with more positivity. In this article we’ve put together some tips to help you do this, but remember you will need to instigate change over a long period of time. While positivity won’t happen overnight, every step is a step in the right direction.
Choose positivity. Every time you catch yourself being negative, reframe your thinking. Strive to make the best of every situation you find yourself in. Have confidence in yourself and ignore any nagging self-doubts. Say “I can!” and “I will!” and really believe you can and will. Sometimes it can seem a bit of a stretch to be positive in an awful situation, but you will feel less anxious if you can at least say, “Never mind.” And remember, everything is a learning experience so use it to your advantage.
Deal with negative behaviours. Address anything you know is bad for you. This could be over eating, eating the wrong things, over or under-exercising, using drugs or alcohol as a crutch to avoid reality, abusive relationships, etc. Now is the time to start afresh. Make your choices and work hard at them.
Reimagine yourself. If you could be someone new, what would that person look like? What would they do? What would they read? What would they eat? What music would they listen to? Now that you have a blueprint, it’s time to become that person.
Set yourself some goals. Having goals to work towards will help you to feel more optimistic and positive. Every step you take towards achieving your goal will help you feel more confident. Say to yourself you’re getting there. Feel the achievement! Reward yourself for every small step you take. You’re amazing!
Let go of people who make you feel bad about yourself. It’s one thing to try to eliminate your own self-doubts, but when someone else is negative about you, they must be speaking the truth, right? Wrong! No-one has a right to judge you, no matter who they are. Eliminate them from your life, or if that is not possible, see as little of them as you can. If you still have to have some contact, you could always tell them that their judgements aren’t welcome.
Face up to your shortcomings. Overcoming self-doubt doesn’t mean sweeping everything that’s wrong or bad for you under the carpet. By all means take a long, hard look at your life. Once you see a problem for what it is, you can decide to get rid of it. Dealing with something can often eliminate your anxiety. It may be that you’re in a job that is causing you too much stress. The job may make you behave in ways you don’t like. In that case you need to fix that situation. This may be easier said than done, but facing up to the situation and finding a solution will improve your confidence and eliminate your self-doubts.
Love yourself. When you’ve achieved something, remind yourself how wonderful you are. You cooked dinner? Well done. You survived a day at work? Fabulous. You swam 10 lengths? Amazing. You read that book? Phenomenal. Styled your hair? You look beautiful. Be honest with yourself, but don’t focus on the negative. It’s alright if you don’t like everything about yourself – take steps to change those things. But make those changes in a warm, loving and compassionate way. You are your own best friend, treat yourself that way!
Love others. Never be unkind when you can be nice. They say we never truly know another person until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes, so you can never really know what’s going on with someone else. If you can’t be nice, say nothing. If you can share the love, compliment others on something, however small. Tell people closest to you how much you love them. Buy people flowers. Write notes, do the small things. Being nice makes you nice. You are the sum of your actions.
Encourage others. We can make other people happy, and in turn we take a great deal from that experience. Build positive relationships and motivate others, and in return you will take pride in their achievements which will help you to feel good about yourself.
Save mementos that show how other people value you. This could be a note from someone, a card, small gifts etc. Some people have little keepsake boxes to store things in. If you get these thankyous via email, print them out and put them in a jar, and keep them somewhere you can see them.
Finally – smile! Research has shown that even faking a smile can help to make you happier and more optimistic. People respond well to smiles, so you will naturally feel more validated in their presence and in turn, genuinely feel like smiling!
Created by Tom Vermeersch
Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.
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If you have developed a pattern of self-talk that is intrinsically negative, you are not alone. Far too many of us can be our own worst enemy when it comes to self-confidence. Rationally, it makes no sense to be mean to ourselves and yet we do it far too much. The negativity we use when we think about ourselves ends up extending to all areas of our lives. We assume we are ‘no good’, ‘not good enough’, ‘not good-looking enough’, ‘too old/fat/thin’ etc. We end up expecting the worst and being cynical about the world in general.
This is a pattern of behaviour that you need to recognise and change. We really need to view ourselves, other people, and our whole lives, with more positivity. In this article we’ve put together some tips to help you do this, but remember you will need to instigate change over a long period of time. While positivity won’t happen overnight, every step is a step in the right direction.
Choose positivity. Every time you catch yourself being negative, reframe your thinking. Strive to make the best of every situation you find yourself in. Have confidence in yourself and ignore any nagging self-doubts. Say “I can!” and “I will!” and really believe you can and will. Sometimes it can seem a bit of a stretch to be positive in an awful situation, but you will feel less anxious if you can at least say, “Never mind.” And remember, everything is a learning experience so use it to your advantage.
Deal with negative behaviours. Address anything you know is bad for you. This could be over eating, eating the wrong things, over or under-exercising, using drugs or alcohol as a crutch to avoid reality, abusive relationships, etc. Now is the time to start afresh. Make your choices and work hard at them.
Reimagine yourself. If you could be someone new, what would that person look like? What would they do? What would they read? What would they eat? What music would they listen to? Now that you have a blueprint, it’s time to become that person.
Set yourself some goals. Having goals to work towards will help you to feel more optimistic and positive. Every step you take towards achieving your goal will help you feel more confident. Say to yourself you’re getting there. Feel the achievement! Reward yourself for every small step you take. You’re amazing!
Let go of people who make you feel bad about yourself. It’s one thing to try to eliminate your own self-doubts, but when someone else is negative about you, they must be speaking the truth, right? Wrong! No-one has a right to judge you, no matter who they are. Eliminate them from your life, or if that is not possible, see as little of them as you can. If you still have to have some contact, you could always tell them that their judgements aren’t welcome.
Face up to your shortcomings. Overcoming self-doubt doesn’t mean sweeping everything that’s wrong or bad for you under the carpet. By all means take a long, hard look at your life. Once you see a problem for what it is, you can decide to get rid of it. Dealing with something can often eliminate your anxiety. It may be that you’re in a job that is causing you too much stress. The job may make you behave in ways you don’t like. In that case you need to fix that situation. This may be easier said than done, but facing up to the situation and finding a solution will improve your confidence and eliminate your self-doubts.
Love yourself. When you’ve achieved something, remind yourself how wonderful you are. You cooked dinner? Well done. You survived a day at work? Fabulous. You swam 10 lengths? Amazing. You read that book? Phenomenal. Styled your hair? You look beautiful. Be honest with yourself, but don’t focus on the negative. It’s alright if you don’t like everything about yourself – take steps to change those things. But make those changes in a warm, loving and compassionate way. You are your own best friend, treat yourself that way!
Love others. Never be unkind when you can be nice. They say we never truly know another person until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes, so you can never really know what’s going on with someone else. If you can’t be nice, say nothing. If you can share the love, compliment others on something, however small. Tell people closest to you how much you love them. Buy people flowers. Write notes, do the small things. Being nice makes you nice. You are the sum of your actions.
Encourage others. We can make other people happy, and in turn we take a great deal from that experience. Build positive relationships and motivate others, and in return you will take pride in their achievements which will help you to feel good about yourself.
Save mementos that show how other people value you. This could be a note from someone, a card, small gifts etc. Some people have little keepsake boxes to store things in. If you get these thankyous via email, print them out and put them in a jar, and keep them somewhere you can see them.
Finally – smile! Research has shown that even faking a smile can help to make you happier and more optimistic. People respond well to smiles, so you will naturally feel more validated in their presence and in turn, genuinely feel like smiling!
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