The consequences for adults after a divorce

While it is always possible to find out information about the effects that divorce has on children, it can be difficult to find information on the consequences for adults after a divorce. In many western countries, the divorce rates remain high, but are starting to stagnate.

This is mainly due to more couples choosing not to marry in the first place, or not being able to afford divorce, as the same level of resources required to run one household in marriage, can rarely be stretched to cover the outgoings of two households.

Increasingly people understand that their lives post-divorce will be tough, and there are some differences depending on whether you are a man or a woman.

Generally speaking, for women, divorce means:

• The vast majority of women gain custody of the children and remain primary carers
• 60% of people who are in poverty are divorced women
• On the whole, single mothers with large families earn little because they balance low paid jobs with caring responsibilities.
• Many women struggle to receive the child support they are entitled to
• However, after divorce, women experience less stress and better adjustment to life than their ex-partners. They tend to feel relieved to be out of troublesome marriages, and have social networks that offer them support.
• Many women experience a rise in self-esteem.

Generally speaking, for men, divorce means:

• A struggle to adjust emotionally, a loss of intimacy, a loss of social connection.
• Reduced finances
• Interruption of their parental role.
• Men tend to remarry more quickly than women.
• Those men that negotiate joint legal custody, shared parenting and remain involved with their children for activities and expenses, tend to be more compliant with their child support obligations.
• Men tend to be more negative about divorce than women, and research in the US suggests are more likely to try to salvage a relationship.

Divorce as a process

Research undertaken in the United Kingdom, New Zealand, and Australia, has indicated that it can be helpful for adults to understand divorce as a process rather than one single event that terminates a marriage. A build-up of stress, alienation and anger and negative emotion takes place prior to the idea of divorce even being raised, and from there, many conflicts remain unresolved. All members of a family, children and adults, are experience life transitions over an extended period of time, which can be exhausting and traumatic. Adults will experience feelings of bitterness, helplessness, and anger.

In the immediate period surrounding the decision to divorce, there will be discussions of how and when to separate. It is at this stage that some couples explore marriage counselling, although others just choose trail separation, and some opt for extramarital affairs. The marriage at this time can still be in a state of flux as roles and positions are renegotiated.

Stress, anxiety and depression caused by the divorce or pre-divorce pressure can adversely affect parenting. Studies in the U.S. and U.K. found children and adolescents suffered thanks to high levels of marital disharmony, and inconsistent parenting or just through the fact that parents were not taking care of themselves, let alone their offspring. Changing family dynamics expose children to a greater level of spousal fighting and everyone finds that their emotional and psychological well-being starts to diminish.

Post-divorce, the most difficult and stressful phase of the divorce process for all members of the family begins. Divorcing parents have to redefine their own world, by acknowledging legal obligations, and negotiating their way economically, while redefining their roles as single or absent parents, or as primary caregiver. There are many new stressors, but at least now the fighting can hopefully cease, and a new road forged ahead.

Other articles

How to know when to say no

It's often difficult to say no, but some people never do! So how do you know when to say no and when to say yes?

Why you're not the best

What are your aims in life? Do you plan to be rich, to be a top footballer, to be a good parent, or to become Prime Minister? However efficiently you plan your life, sooner or later you are going to come up against obstacles to achieving your goals.

Do you expect too much from others? Find out!

Most people are disappointed when others don't meet their expectations. But when you always expect too much, it isn't healthy, either for yourself or for others. If you often find yourself feeling let down by your loved ones or even by strangers, could it be that you have unrealistic ideas of how people should act?

How to prove your value

Feel like everyone takes you for granted? Whether it's working late to prepare a presentation or cooking a special birthday meal for your partner, it's nice to be appreciated when you've made an extra effort. And if it seems as if people don't notice, you might feel as if no one values you.

I don't want to!

Motivation can be somewhat elusive - some days, you just can't seem to make yourself do the stuff you don't want to. But putting things off just leads to stress, frustration and a sense of guilt.

Feeling blue?

Feeling blue? You're not alone! We all feel sad at times; it's a normal human emotion. Sometimes, it's clear to see what has triggered our depression. Common reasons for feeling sad include bereavement, the end of a relationship, losing your job or money problems. But it's not always so clearcut.

How can I help my child achieve their dreams?

Children's imaginations know no limits and their dreams are a mix of hopes and fantasies, the real and the magical, the impossible and the achievable.

Do you expect too much from others?

Do you expect more from others than they are prepared to give? Signs that you may be asking too much - and how to break the pattern.

Six things we think will make us happy, but don't!

When you think about things that will make you happy, what are the images that come to mind? Wealth, beauty, a dream house, long holidays, a top of the range car? Happiness is not a constant and how happy we feel depends on the way we choose to live our lives. 

Isn't depression just a fancy word for feeling a bit down?

Mental health issues such as depression and anxiety affect around 1 in 6 people at some stage of their life. Despite it being such a common problem, many sufferers wait months or even years before seeking help.