Help! My partner's sex drive is too high/low

Help! My partner's sex drive is too high/low
My partner's sex drive is too high low

For most people, intimacy is an essential part of a loving relationship but what if your sex drive doesn’t match that of your partner?

A mismatch between libidos is probably the main reason for couples to seek sex therapy. Many people feel the need to match up to society’s idea of “normal” but if one partner has a different expectation of how often they would like to have sex, it can lead to difficulties. This is a far more common problem than you might imagine but it’s not anyone’s fault. We are all individuals with many differences on hormonal, psychological and emotional levels. What matters most is that both partners are happy and comfortable with the physical side of their relationship.

If your sex drive is higher or lower than your partners, it doesn’t mean that you have to give up on your relationship. If one of you isn’t satisfied, try to find ways to make it work. It might or might not solve the problem - people change and that’s also OK. But if there’s something about the relationship that’s worth saving, you’ll find that a thoughtful approach and good communication might even bring the two of you closer together. 

It’s important to consider if your sex drives have always been mismatched, or whether this is a recent change. Health problems can often be at the root of a change in libido. Ask yourself if your partner has had a change of medication or could they be in pain? Hormonal changes in pregnancy and at the menopause can temporarily affect the female sex drive and men can also suffer from low testosterone. 

Bach flowers mix 41: Libido

Bach flowers mix 41 helps to:

  • Stimulate your libido
  • Conquer performance anxiety
  • Be more resistant to stress
  • Build a positive self-image
Discover how Bach flowers mix 41 can help you
 

It’s not necessarily personal

Although it can be hard not to take it personally when your partner repeatedly rejects your advances, remember that their lack of interest in sex is not necessarily just all about you and your attractiveness. It could also be caused by psychological problems or health problems. Your partner may be feeling inadequate and might well be wondering what has gone wrong between you, even if he or she appears defensive. Empathy and understanding will often go a long way towards resolving this situation. 

Don't make assumptions about gender roles

Many people assume that in a relationship where the couple’s libidos are out of sync, it is always the man who wants more sex but this is just not true. Sexual appetites span a wide spectrum in both sexes, and same-sex couples face the same problems when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. If your situation doesn’t match up with the norms presented by the media, don't blame yourself. You aren’t unusual, you are completely normal. Societal norms do have an impact so if you’re a woman with a higher sex drive or a man who wants sex less often, this might add to your anxiety. However, focus your energy on trying to understand how you and your partner can make one another happy and ignore the rest.

Communicate with your partner

It’s a common pattern for couples to brood silently over frustrations and difficulties regarding their sex lives. But unless they talk to each other, nothing can change. While it can be quite a challenge, communicating honestly with your partner is essential - and as well as telling them what you’re thinking, it also means listening to what they have to say. Don’t start the conversation when you’re initiating or rejecting sex, an occasion when it’s better to be direct and concise. Choose a time when the two of you are calm and relaxed but not feeling vulnerable, and try to talk as openly and honestly as you can about your sexual relationship. It can be hard to get started, but if you can be specific and honest about your desires and concerns, you could be well on the way to resolving your differences.

Simply listening to what the partner with the lower sex drive says can be very effective. For example, levels of testosterone (a hormone that controls sexual responses in both men and women) in men are at their highest between 7 and 8 am, while for women, levels peak during the evening. If a woman says she doesn’t enjoy morning sex, she’s not just making an excuse! Waiting until she’s feeling relaxed and comfortable and making an effort to get the atmosphere right will be more conducive to mutually enjoyable sex. 

Working through your issues

Can you work through your differences, or are you just sexually incompatible? Sex is inevitably linked with emotions and this makes it more difficult to think rationally about your relationship. When you’re deeply involved with a partner, it can be hard to see what’s really going on. While many couples are reluctant to turn to a counsellor or sex therapist, professional help can be very beneficial. Seeking guidance from a skilled third party who can take a more detached perspective can be very beneficial.


Marie Pure

Other articles


Letting go A guide for survivors

Letting go: A guide for survivors

Facing the loss of a family member or close friend is probably one of the most difficult challenges that life throws at us. When we've lost a partner, parent, brother or sister, we're likely to experience intense grief.

Read the complete article

5 small habits that will improve your sex life

5 small habits that will improve your sex life

It sometimes feels that we're always being told to try the latest superfood or a new fitness regime that's the secret to a better life - only for the advice to change the following week.

Read the complete article

How to prove your value

How to prove your value

Feel like everyone takes you for granted? Whether it's working late to prepare a presentation or cooking a special birthday meal for your partner, it's nice to be appreciated when you've made an extra effort. And if it seems as if people don't notice, you might feel as if no one values you.

Read the complete article

Is your sex life putting your relationship at risk

Is your sex life putting your relationship at risk?

Sexual desire is a complex interaction of hormones, emotions and well-being. When your partner is not as interested in sex as you are, it’s rarely a rejection of you as a person. So it’s essential to be as empathetic as you can regarding your differing libidos.

Read the complete article

How to spot toxic behaviour

How to spot toxic behaviour

You see the word "toxic" everywhere these days, but what does it really mean? You've almost certainly come across someone who fits the description. Dealing with difficult personalities can be challenging and emotionally exhausting, to say the least.

Read the complete article

Even the brightest minds have setbacks!

Even the brightest minds have setbacks!

We all want to be successful but many of us find the path to achieving our dreams is blocked by our fear of failure. Whether you’re trying to lose weight, go backpacking around the world or start up a new business, you need to accept that you might fail many times over before you achieve success.

Read the complete article

What's wrong with my libido!

What's wrong with my libido?!


Men as well as women often ask themselves if there is something wrong with their libido. It's completely natural to do so, because it's different for everybody.
Find out here what could actually be wrong with your libido & how to deal with it!

Read the complete article

Standing Up To A Narcissistic Pervert

Standing Up To A Narcissistic Pervert

Whether it's with a romantic partner or a housemate, there's no doubt that a relationship with a narcissist can be very challenging. But are there ways to cope better? Or is it better to leave the relationship? 

Read the complete article

Mistakes as a Parent

Mistakes as a Parent

Can we learn from our mistakes and develop a stronger, healthier emotional bondwith our kids? To help you identify your weak spots, we’ve rounded up some of the most common mistakes parents make.

Read the complete article

16 food that wil improve your libido

16 foods that will improve your libido

Looking to improve your libido? We have a list of 16 foods that will improve your libido and general health and wellbeing. Read on for our tips.

Read the complete article

Free personal advice for your problem?

Are you unsure which Bach flowers can help you? Contact Tom for free advice.

tom vermeersch
Tom Vermeersch

Yes, I want free advice

No thanks, I will do my own research