20 tips for parents whose children suffer with separation anxiety

If you have a child who suffers with separation anxiety and becomes anxious every time you try to leave her, you’ll take some comfort from knowing this is generally a normal part of your child’s development.

The crying, tantrums, and clinginess of your child’s early years are healthy reactions to separation. You’ll probably see signs of this between the age of one and four, but the intensity can vary.

Persevering, understanding and adopting coping strategies should help you through what can be a stressful time for all concerned. The time to be worried is if your child starts to avoid certain activities, such as going to school or engaging in hobbies and leisure activities out of school.

If you have concerns about separation anxiety in your child, here are some tips to try that may help to relieve the situation. Remember perseverance and patience are key to success, and never show your frustration to your child.

1. Educate yourself about separation anxiety disorder. You’re reading this, so that’s a good start. Understanding what your child is going through, will help you to sympathize with her struggle.
   
   
2. In the same vein, it’s important that you take the time to listen to your child. Respect her feelings. Your child will share their worries and feel more secure knowing you are taking them seriously and that you will take the time to listen. Being listened to and acknowledged can be incredibly healing.
   
   
3. If your child doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, see whether you can encourage them to do so. Remind them, gently, how well they survived when you went away before.
   
   
4. Practice leaving your child alone. Get her used to a different caregiver. Initially you can do this for a few minutes at a time, and extend the period of time she is left alone, as well as the distance from home.
   
   
5. However, if it is at all possible, leave your child in familiar surroundings. Her separation anxiety will be reduced if everything is where she expects it to be. Have the babysitter or temporary caregiver come to your home.
   
   
6. If you are dropping your child off somewhere, if your child feels less anxious when one parent leaves, have that parent drop them off.
   
   
7. Try to ensure that your child isn’t being passed around between too many babysitters, childminders or caregivers.
   
   
8. Children appreciate routines and predictability, so let them know if there is ever going to be a change in the schedule, and maybe ask them to help you ‘solve’ a scheduling problem. If your child can’t solve the problem, offer them some choices and see which they prefer. Try and get them on board.
   
   
9. Ensure your child is not tired or hungry when you leave, as these will exacerbate the feelings of anxiety when they are left alone.
   
   
10. Don’t allow your child to watch TV, or witness violent video games etc. as these may increase her anxiety.
    
    
11. Be specific, in a way that your child will understand. “I’ll be back after you’ve had your milk this afternoon,” for example, or “I’ll see you after two sleeps,” as this works better than at 3 pm or in two days.
    
    
12. Have a goodbye ritual. These can be simple, a kiss and a wave and a few words you always say, but they will reassure your child. However, make sure you don’t create a song and dance. Say you’re going, have your ritual and then leave.
    
    
13. If you are dropping your child off and she goes ballistic, keep calm.
    
    
14. If your child has separation anxiety at school, send little notes in for her to find. In her pocket or lunch box for example.
    
    
15. When you leave your child, give them your undivided attention. Be loving, and provide affection. Then say your goodbye quickly and happily, regardless of whether she is begging you to stay.
    
    
16. Use positive reinforcement and praise for every step forward your child is able to take.
    
    
17. When you offer praise, be very specific as this will help to build your child’s confidence. Use descriptive praise such as, “I really like the way you picked up your toys. You’re so helpful,” rather than a generic “that’s a good girl.”
    
    
18. If you make any promises to your child, you must keep them. Your child wants to trust you, and by honouring what you say you will build trust and independence.
    
    
19. Don’t give in. Don’t turn around and come back if your child starts screaming and crying, as this will reinforce your child’s power over you. You are the adult and you need to stay calm and in charge of the situation.
    
    
20. Set rules, limits and boundaries. Children may rail against such things, but research has shown that they appreciate them. Of course you should ensure your child knows that you care about and appreciate their feelings, but you set the rules in your household to keep your child safe, and they must be followed.

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