20 tips for parents whose children suffer with separation anxiety

If you have a child who suffers with separation anxiety and becomes anxious every time you try to leave her, you’ll take some comfort from knowing this is generally a normal part of your child’s development.

The crying, tantrums, and clinginess of your child’s early years are healthy reactions to separation. You’ll probably see signs of this between the age of one and four, but the intensity can vary.

Persevering, understanding and adopting coping strategies should help you through what can be a stressful time for all concerned. The time to be worried is if your child starts to avoid certain activities, such as going to school or engaging in hobbies and leisure activities out of school.

If you have concerns about separation anxiety in your child, here are some tips to try that may help to relieve the situation. Remember perseverance and patience are key to success, and never show your frustration to your child.

1. Educate yourself about separation anxiety disorder. You’re reading this, so that’s a good start. Understanding what your child is going through, will help you to sympathize with her struggle.
   
   
2. In the same vein, it’s important that you take the time to listen to your child. Respect her feelings. Your child will share their worries and feel more secure knowing you are taking them seriously and that you will take the time to listen. Being listened to and acknowledged can be incredibly healing.
   
   
3. If your child doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, see whether you can encourage them to do so. Remind them, gently, how well they survived when you went away before.
   
   
4. Practice leaving your child alone. Get her used to a different caregiver. Initially you can do this for a few minutes at a time, and extend the period of time she is left alone, as well as the distance from home.
   
   
5. However, if it is at all possible, leave your child in familiar surroundings. Her separation anxiety will be reduced if everything is where she expects it to be. Have the babysitter or temporary caregiver come to your home.
   
   
6. If you are dropping your child off somewhere, if your child feels less anxious when one parent leaves, have that parent drop them off.
   
   
7. Try to ensure that your child isn’t being passed around between too many babysitters, childminders or caregivers.
   
   
8. Children appreciate routines and predictability, so let them know if there is ever going to be a change in the schedule, and maybe ask them to help you ‘solve’ a scheduling problem. If your child can’t solve the problem, offer them some choices and see which they prefer. Try and get them on board.
   
   
9. Ensure your child is not tired or hungry when you leave, as these will exacerbate the feelings of anxiety when they are left alone.
   
   
10. Don’t allow your child to watch TV, or witness violent video games etc. as these may increase her anxiety.
    
    
11. Be specific, in a way that your child will understand. “I’ll be back after you’ve had your milk this afternoon,” for example, or “I’ll see you after two sleeps,” as this works better than at 3 pm or in two days.
    
    
12. Have a goodbye ritual. These can be simple, a kiss and a wave and a few words you always say, but they will reassure your child. However, make sure you don’t create a song and dance. Say you’re going, have your ritual and then leave.
    
    
13. If you are dropping your child off and she goes ballistic, keep calm.
    
    
14. If your child has separation anxiety at school, send little notes in for her to find. In her pocket or lunch box for example.
    
    
15. When you leave your child, give them your undivided attention. Be loving, and provide affection. Then say your goodbye quickly and happily, regardless of whether she is begging you to stay.
    
    
16. Use positive reinforcement and praise for every step forward your child is able to take.
    
    
17. When you offer praise, be very specific as this will help to build your child’s confidence. Use descriptive praise such as, “I really like the way you picked up your toys. You’re so helpful,” rather than a generic “that’s a good girl.”
    
    
18. If you make any promises to your child, you must keep them. Your child wants to trust you, and by honouring what you say you will build trust and independence.
    
    
19. Don’t give in. Don’t turn around and come back if your child starts screaming and crying, as this will reinforce your child’s power over you. You are the adult and you need to stay calm and in charge of the situation.
    
    
20. Set rules, limits and boundaries. Children may rail against such things, but research has shown that they appreciate them. Of course you should ensure your child knows that you care about and appreciate their feelings, but you set the rules in your household to keep your child safe, and they must be followed.

Other articles

Hiding a depression: find out if someone you know - or you yourself! - is doing this

It's not always easy to tell if someone has depression. While some signs such as sadness, pessimism and withdrawal from social interaction are easy to recognise, other symptoms may be less obvious. And some people are very good at hiding their depression - even from themselves!

Simple tips to not be afraid of the future

No one knows what the future holds, so don't waste time and energy worrying about it. Read our tips and find out how to stop being afraid of what might never happen.

10 Tips to get the best out of every day

When we’re stuck in a bit of a rut, the days and nights slip past so quickly that we barely notice them. But life is not a rehearsal!

Why you're not the best

What are your aims in life? Do you plan to be rich, to be a top footballer, to be a good parent, or to become Prime Minister? However efficiently you plan your life, sooner or later you are going to come up against obstacles to achieving your goals.

Have you considered yoga? The advantages of practicing yoga

Have you considered yoga? There are many advantages to practicing yoga. It is a holistic practice benefitting you physically, emotionally & mentally.

How can I help my child achieve their dreams?

Children's imaginations know no limits and their dreams are a mix of hopes and fantasies, the real and the magical, the impossible and the achievable.

Letting go: A guide for survivors

Facing the loss of a family member or close friend is probably one of the most difficult challenges that life throws at us. When we've lost a partner, parent, brother or sister, we're likely to experience intense grief.

Letting go of the past: 5 tips

Lynn Anderson told it very nicely in her song “I beg your pardon; I never promised you a rose garden”. Life isn’t all roses and everybody experiences something they would rather not once in their life.

Choose for your happiness!

Being happy is something everybody strives for, but unfortunately there are a lot of people who go through life unhappily. A lot of people take life how it is.

Do you expect too much from others?

Do you expect more from others than they are prepared to give? Signs that you may be asking too much - and how to break the pattern.