Learn to forgive: How?

When you have been hurt very deeply, it can be difficult to forgive. You may have suffered a loss, or a relationship breakdown, and you feel bitter and angry. The truth is however, that real forgiveness can help you heal from grief and depression when bad things have happened to you - or to someone you love. You may well want to learn to forgive, but you’re struggling. Our tips may help you, or at least set you on the right path.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the act of letting go of a grievance or judgment you are holding against another person. Forgiveness allows you to let go feelings of bitterness, resentment, and vengeance. It is entirely for your own benefit.

What forgiveness isn’t

When you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you pardon or excuse their behaviour which may have been illegal, criminal or immoral. Forgiveness does not involve you making excuses for the other person. You don’t have to tell the other person you forgive them either – forgiveness is a private affair. Forgiving someone won’t mean that you never think about what happened, it will always be something that was important to you -something that mattered. You never forgive for the sake of another person. Forgiveness is something you do for you because you love, honour and respect yourself.

What happens if you don’t forgive?

If you don’t forgive, you may experience a wide range of emotions that hold you back or down. You may feel oppressed or depressed. Your emotions can include anger, bitterness and hate. Sometimes these emotions can trigger physical symptoms, such as upset stomachs, anxiety, depression, or high blood pressure for example.

Tips to help you forgive

• Recognise your anger. Anger can fill you with adrenaline, and adrenaline is addictive. You may struggle to let go of your ‘fix’.
• Once you recognise the anger, you need to work on it. Express it and release it. Only when the anger has gone, can you truly forgive.
• Take time to reflect of the situation that has caused you such pain.
• Accept that it happened.
• Acknowledge how you feel or felt. Give weight to your feelings.
• Think about how you reacted.
• Now think about the ways in which you have changed and developed as a person since that time. What did you learn. Has that been useful? Acknowledge you are a survivor. Have you withdrawn the boundaries of your life? Can that thing ever happen to you again?
• What about the other person? Are they flawed and imperfect? What was their need when they hurt you? Why do you think they did it?
• Consider whether you want to tell the other person that you forgive them or not. If you want to do so, then tell them. If you don’t, then choose how you acknowledge your forgiveness. You could say it out loud if you wish, or you could write a letter. No-one needs to read the letter. You can hide it or destroy it.

This is simplistic of course. It may take you a long time to get over what hurt you. Each of these steps may take weeks or months. It is an individual journey that you have to work through in your own time. You will always remember what happened, but hopefully you will be able to move on in a positive and life-affirming way.

Do it for yourself

It is said that a life well lived is your best revenge. You can choose how you react to something or someone that has wounded you deeply, by turning to the light and looking only for the good. Find the love, beauty and kindness around you. Don’t act on your anger. Don’t turn into a person you are not.

Sometimes, forgiveness becomes easier with the passing of time. You may not be ready to forgive yet, but in ten days, ten months, or ten years you might be.

Other articles

Let's make 2021 better than 2020

For many people, 2020 has been one of the worst years they can remember. The COVID -19 pandemic and social unrest have changed our lives in ways we would not have believed possible a year ago. And when January 2021 comes around, we're still likely to be facing many challenges. Can 2021 be a better year?

Why you're not the best

What are your aims in life? Do you plan to be rich, to be a top footballer, to be a good parent, or to become Prime Minister? However efficiently you plan your life, sooner or later you are going to come up against obstacles to achieving your goals.

Fact or fiction? Is it truly healthy?

There's so much contradictory health advice out there, it gets confusing. One year, butter is said to be bad for you, and margarine is better. The following year, it's the other way around. One article says running causes strain on your joints; another says it's good for you because it increases bone strength.

Can you accept things you can't change? Take our quiz!

Your relationship ends, or you lose your job, and you get stuck in a rut of negative thoughts and suffering. How good are you at letting go of grudges and accepting that some things are beyond your control? Take our quiz to find out!

Feeling blue?

Feeling blue? You're not alone! We all feel sad at times; it's a normal human emotion. Sometimes, it's clear to see what has triggered our depression. Common reasons for feeling sad include bereavement, the end of a relationship, losing your job or money problems. But it's not always so clearcut.

Choose for your happiness!

Being happy is something everybody strives for, but unfortunately there are a lot of people who go through life unhappily. A lot of people take life how it is.

Are things moving too fast for you?

If you're worried that the world is changing too fast, you're not alone: technology is constantly developing, and it can be challenging to keep up with all the changes. As a result, many people - not just the older generations - feel anxious that they might get left behind.

What makes it so hard to go back to work?

Millions of people furloughed for months are now being recalled to work. Others, who have been working from home throughout the lockdown, are returning to the office. And some jobs have simply disappeared: many people are facing redundancy and will soon have to cope with job hunting. Going back to work after an unprecedented length of time at home is quite a challenge.

How to prove your value

Feel like everyone takes you for granted? Whether it's working late to prepare a presentation or cooking a special birthday meal for your partner, it's nice to be appreciated when you've made an extra effort. And if it seems as if people don't notice, you might feel as if no one values you.

What to do when the spark is fading

Why do you feel butterflies at the start of a new romance, and how can you keep the flame burning in a long term relationship as the spark starts to fade?