32 tips to be more assertive

Do you consider yourself to be assertive or would you like to improve your assertiveness skills? Don’t be fooled into thinking that loud and brash is assertive, because it isn’t.

Assertiveness means bringing a balance between vocalising your own needs through good communication, while taking into account the needs of others.

It is not easy to be assertive, particularly if you are naturally introverted, however you can learn some useful skills. Here are our 32 tips to be more assertive.

1. Recognise who you are and examine the good and bad aspects of your personality. When you know your own value, it is easier to use this as a basis for self-confidence. Assertiveness will build on the self-confidence.
   
   
2. Understand that in order to fulfil your full potential, your needs must be met. You must see to this yourself.
   
   
3. Protect your own rights.
   
   
4. Recognise the value in other people. Understand what their skills are and what they bring to the table. This makes it easier for you to see when to allow someone else to ‘win’, or will help you find the common ground between you that you can both work with.
   
   
5. Respect the rights of others.
   
   
6. Don’t just focus on problems – try and find the solutions.
   
   
7. Do the things you can do. Ask for help with the things you can’t. Watch and learn. Thank people for their assistance. Try it yourself next time. Ask for feedback.
   
   
8. Empathise with others, but be fair on yourself.
   
   
9. Understand that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Just as you treat others the same way.
   
   
10. Stop apologizing. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry”, try saying, “Thank you for your patience.” Show your value, in a dignified way.
    
    
11. Don't leave it to someone else to figure out what you need.
    
    
12. Don’t accept responsibility for the poor behaviour of others. Don’t beat yourself up about what people say or do to you.
    
    
13. If people react badly when you practice being assertive – by behaving resentfully or becoming angry – remember that this is down to them. They control their reactions. You should only respond with dignity, do not return their negativity. You control yourself, not others.
    
    
14. You can be negative, or disagree, just try and do so in a healthy and positive way. “I didn’t enjoy that, but it was a useful experience.”
    
    
15. You can be angry, but always be respectful.
    
    
16. Speak your mind, but protect other people’s feelings.
    
    
17. Control your emotions. This can be easier said and done if you are stressed, sad, angry or frustrated.
    
    
18. Accept compliments graciously. Accept criticism with the same positivity.
    
    
19. Understand that it is perfectly OK for you, or someone else, to make a mistake.
    
    
20. Learn to say "No" when you need to.
    
    
21. Know your limits. Set your boundaries.
    
    
22. Suggest alternatives.
    
    
23. If you find yourself in a hostile situation, back away from it, or take time out.
    
    
24. If you disagree with someone, try saying something like, “I understand your opinion but I do not agree.”
    
    
25. Remember, there is a difference between making a point and making someone agree with you.
    
    
26. If assertiveness is a real issue for you, start small. Work up to tougher situations.
    
    
27. Don’t feel guilty. Being assertive can be tough — especially if you’ve been passive most of your life.
    
    
28. Practice deep breathing to control the fear, worries and anxiety you have about expressing a different opinion or asking for what you want.
    
    
29. Be specific about any complaint you have and cite concrete examples. Try to eliminate emotion and ‘feelings’.
    
    
30. Ask for more time if you need it.
    
    
31. Eliminate unassertive words if you catch yourself using them, such as “I’ll try” or “I’m just” etc.
    
    
32. Keep practicing. It takes time to undo your lack of assertiveness.

Remember, when you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily expect to get it. You are therefore open to negotiation. Taking what you want, demanding what you want, without regard for others, is aggressive behaviour. Sorting an amicable solution, is a graceful response.

Good luck!

Other articles

Subtle signs your child is unhappy

According to figures from the World Health Organisation, more than 260 million people worldwide suffer from depression. And it's not only adults who are diagnosed with this illness. Children as young as three or four years old can experience depression.

Stop worrying and live in the moment

People spend so much of their time regretting the past and worrying about the future. But it’s not worth it! Even what happened yesterday doesn't matter anymore! Let go of the past and the future and make the most of every moment.

Is it OCD? Find out!

While you often hear people joking that they have OCD because they like to keep their house clean and tidy, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be a distressing and debilitating mental health condition with a wide range of symptoms.

How to stop everything going wrong

Do you always feel that everything’s always going wrong? Find out how to stop this cycle of bad thoughts in its tracks. When you think positively, things will start to appear positive and you will eventually feel more positive and optimistic.

A new year, a new me

It’s such a positive thing to do and hope springs eternal, so why not commit yourself to a change this year? Here’s our tips on how to stick to your new year’s resolutions.

How to spice up your life

Do you feel you're always doing the same things and not getting anywhere? It's common to feel stuck in a rut, treading water and just going through the motions.

How to be less judgemental of others (and yourself!)

Do you feel you’re always criticising and judging everyone, yourself included? Do you feel bad about it afterwards? You’re certainly not alone! Read on to discover how you can judge less and start to accept things the way they are.

Why not me?

It's natural to compare our own lives with those of others - weighing up the pros and cons of situations helps us make decisions. But there can be a downside when you find you're constantly comparing yourself with others, envying their seemingly perfect lives and wondering why they are luckier, more prosperous, and better looking than you.

How to spot toxic behaviour

You see the word "toxic" everywhere these days, but what does it really mean? You've almost certainly come across someone who fits the description. Dealing with difficult personalities can be challenging and emotionally exhausting, to say the least.

Simple tips to not be afraid of the future

No one knows what the future holds, so don't waste time and energy worrying about it. Read our tips and find out how to stop being afraid of what might never happen.